Goodbyes

I don't want to write this.  I've been putting it off, all the while knowing that I needed to do it.  That somehow, writing would help me cope with it.  I hope that is true. Yesterday afternoon, my dad, Robert VanDrimmelen, passed away.  I cannot even begin to explain the feelings that I have.  I have never had to experience anything like this before, and it is extremely humbling.  I feel so helpless to help my Mom, who is suffering worse than any of us.  I feel shocked, because I somehow thought that my parents were immortal.  I feel gut-wrenching sadness to know that I will not get to see my dad for a long time, and that my children who adore him will probably not remember him.  I have cried more in the last 24 hours that I ever thought possible.  It doesn't take much.   Everything reminds me of him.  It's as simple as bridge mix at the store (which he loved), or his cookies in the kitchen closet.  Or, his computer that switches to the screensaver that says "Grandpa is weird." I love my Dad.  He was my best friend growing up, and has always been there for me, now matter what.  I could tell millions of stories about the amazing man that he is.  Everyone loved him.  He was one of those people who made you feel special, no matter who you are.  He honestly cared about people and spent his whole life in service to others.  Last night, as I was as Wal-Mart, I noticed a bunch of carts that people hadn't put away.  I almost got in my car and drove away, justifying that I didn't need to do it.  I'd had a pretty rough day.  But something stopped me.  My Dad would not want me to be selfish, even in a small way.  So, I returned those carts, and prayed that my Dad knows how much I love him, and how much I want to be like him. I am so grateful that my kids got to know him, at least for a little bit.  And, I realized, they will carry a little bit of him with them, even if they don't know it.  Robbie was named after him, and will carry that.  Emily is left-handed, just like he is.  Adam loves barbecue sauce, just like my Dad.  Kelsey has the same infectious smile that makes people want to be by her. I've never been very good at goodbyes.  I think that's something that I got from my Dad.  I'm sure he's sitting there looking down on us telling us to "Suck it up, and stop being wimps."  And, I promise, I'll try.  It's just going to take some time.  I'm so grateful for the gospel, and the testimony I have.  Not once have I questioned whether I will get to see my Dad again.  I KNOW I will.  It may take a while, but I'm sure he'll be waiting for us, probably keeping the snowmobiles warmed up and ready to go.  I will miss you Daddy.  I love you.